Brainshambles

She is so vintage, so strong and I feel her energy.

Occasionally, in between beats of my constantly fluttering wings, I take a look down at myself. Being so constantly stimulated (a state of my own natural choosing) is tiresome but at the same time keeps me bright. Even when I reach a peak of lethargy, I envision a tiny little coal inside my chest glowing red and still always prepared for ignition. I look at myself, my little fragile physical parts and my big fragile spiritual parts. And although the words (unspoken, but racing through brains) may grow more eloquent, the conclusion tends to remain the same. I see myself as a sensitive human being. Lost to myself, found to others, and occasionally a dichotomy of the two. I have the heart of a tormented artist, yet also possessing this strange and constant desire to climb, compete, prove, and win. But the games I want to win feel distinctly different than those in the majority.

Or maybe not. Perhaps I am no more special than a common pigeon.

With this soul of a buzzing hummingbird, comes the awkward tendency to make a complete clown of myself in perfectly typical situations. I wonder how many can even see the glimmer of energy and passion behind such a fragile shell. Though bright colors, costumes and carefully placed (and learned) dialogue has helped me toughen up the exterior…like everyone, so much work is still yet to be done. Can’t let that fire go out. That fire keeps me alive.

Would have, could have, should have…the three killers.

I want to help people find the beauty in ugly things, and the ugly in beautiful things. Essentially, I want to challenge it all. Because when I’ve challenged them, they’ve in turn challenged me. For as much as I hate surprises…I sure do enjoy surprising others.

The time to hesitate is through.

We returned from our honeymoon cruise last night, and I am still so out of sorts. I can’t wait to find the time/energy to describe all the fun excursions, fabulous food, and lovely tidbits for you. I also cannot wait until I can post pictures (of both the wedding–we finally have almost all of the professional and “disposable” pictures–and honeymoon).

Maybe this week, we’ll see. But hey, Katelyn DeVan is still here. Very tired, and anxious for my return to work tomorrow. I need to take care of myself, my family and my priorities. I still need to legally change my name. And get a new passport. And do all those fun married things now that I am done traveling and it’s safe to play around with my identity.

YEAH!

More to come. My wonderful photographer is sending me all the final shots early next week, but I continue to receive some excellent sneak peeks. Before I depart for my honeymoon (which officially starts THIS EVENING…even though my cruise doesn’t leave until Monday)…I thought I’d give you another teaser. Wonderful day. Wonderful photographer. Stunning makeup artistry, fabulous hair stylist, great family and friends. The memories keep flooding in, and every morning (despite the new challenges that greet me with each buzz of my alarm) I am reminded of the awesomeness and power of not just love, but devotion and dedication. Marriage is hard work. But I’ve always welcomed challenges. Here’s to the weekend, and hopefully an awesome and restful honeymoon.

I am still recovering from last weekend’s wedding/work madness. I promise to post a full wedding gallery once I have it complete. I am very tempted to post random shots, but I have to resist the urge.

Side note, after working like a madwoman this weekend…I decided to relax in the basement and watch a “Whale Wars” marathon. I’m still watching…I can’t stop. I want to go save whales right now. One week of work, some housecleaning, and many loose ends to be tied…and I’ll be off on my honeymoon cruise to Cozumel and Calica. I haven’t had a vacation in years, so this one will be truly appreciated and extra magical.

Just now settling back in to my home after a weekend that went by faster than I could imagine. I have the day off of work tomorrow, so more photos to come. But I thought I’d take a moment to say…we did it.

57 hours. In 57 hours I will be Mrs. Katelyn DeVan.

This is INSANE. Time to head to work and check things off lists. All while thinking happy, calming thoughts.

This girl is a real live wire.

This girl needs to say whoa on the ice cream.

This girl needs Friday to come, better yet, Saturday to come. So everything can run its course.

This girl, this one right here, misses creating. Even after hours of dreadfully tiresome, hard and stressful work.

This girl misses painting under dim light in a dark bedroom, listening to mellow tunes.

This girl misses sitting at her desk, her studio, hovering over a bright screen making lovely random pictures out of seemingly nothing nothings.

Perhaps these little missings…these little musings…are how THIS girl is choosing to cope with the immense stress of being perfect. Perfect worker, perfect bride, perfect daughter, perfect friend. Because while many will say they don’t expect perfection, they do. They all do, even if they don’t know it. And I do not fault them. Because they believe themselves. If you truly believe what you state to be true, than your statements must either be valid, or they are subconscious and (most likely) uncontrollable misinterpretations of reality.

So back to being perfect. I’d really just like to be happy. I continue to work on this goal. Day by day, or I should say…evening by evening. Because it’s during the night when the rest of my time zone is fast asleep–when I can’t seem to catch up. I love eating breakfast, it’s my absolute favorite part of the day (even on work mornings). Because by this time, even if I haven’t slept the night before, I am fully awake–justifiably, and I have an untouchable routine (if even for only 20 minutes). This tiny, quiet little block of time in the morning is mine. Nobody can take it. I breathe. I prepare. I nourish. And then I’m off.

Oh yes, I remember why I awoke at 6:00am on a Saturday morning. Because my brain is a hot chemical mess, and I have cats that like to perform circus acts across my master bedroom.

So here we are, it’s official. One week from today, I will be Mrs. DeVan. The dress is done, and hanging in my wardrobe room. Mother is cleaning my house Thursday afternoon before my out of town guests arrive (saint). I have quite the full agenda this weekend. Including, but not limited to, a head of freshly cut, coloured hair. What I really want though…more than anything this weekend, is a massage. Yeah, right!

I’d also like a sugar skull bed set please.

Lady Gaga and her mind-defying shoes.

Marilyn Monroe looking adorable in Niagra, 1953

I always love photos of Brigitte Bardot in her ballet attire.

I need these socks, ASAP.