Brainshambles|

Today was the Chagrin Valley Hunter Jumper Classic. Even though I pretty much crashed and burned…my lovely friend Allison still managed to get some good shots. So here we are….Avatar and myself. We didn’t do nearly as well as our last event together, but we still managed to get a 2nd and 6th place ribbon. I didn’t fall off, so I consider the day a success. It was fun, but boy am I glad it’s over with. I need time to chill out and stop being a neurotic freak.

That last one includes my cute-as-pie boyfriend Kyle and my fabulous trainer, Jeannine.

Finally, I got my silly little photograph in the mail. So here is Tam and I at the Trumbull County Up & Over show a few weeks ago. I look really goofy, but I was proud. We were division champs. I have a super huge show this weekend, so hopefully I can get a couple better pictures!

I’m tired, worked at the barn all afternoon and feel like whining. So here I am.

I hope everyone is having a good summer so far. I know I am thrilled to finally have some free time. I have to try really hard to sleep in and find myself quite stir crazy during the day. This Saturday I have a huge horse show and then next week Kyle and I are off to Chicago. Anyone know of good hot spots I should hit up? So far we have the aquarium and natural history museum on the itinerary. Oh and of course–some quality shopping time. I could use another overpriced purse for my slow growing collection.

You know what’s fabulous? I fell completely off the weight watchers wagon these past two weeks, and still managed to maintain (actually lose) this morning at weigh in. I think I jump started my metabolism these past 9 months just by drastically changing my eating habits. God knows I don’t work out. I’m going to be extra healthy this week in preparation for our mini-vacation next week. I’m anticipating lots of wine and dessert. Yum! Off to bed. xoxox.

I celebrated the end of my INSANE summer semester yesterday by completely falling off the points wagon and indulging in lots of bad party food. But it was good. And the weight watcher police can slap me on the wrists, it’s ok. I like family parties because I can use them as opportunities to tell my parents things that normally would make them scream at me. But at the family gatherings–they are temporarily happy, and I know they won’t make a scene. So this fourth of July went a little like this:

“Yum, these Doritos are tasty. I got another tattoo, oh yeah andwe’regettingapuppy…and I’m pregnant..just kidding…pass the veggie dip please?”

Anyway, I almost don’t quite know what to do with my free time. I am so used to waking up at 4:30 a.m. (if I sleep at all) and receiving a daily dose of FUCKMYLIFE, my body is quite confused. Now begins my two months of bliss. Yay! So yes–I promised a few pictures of the new apartment as soon as school ended, so here we are. I couldn’t get a good one of Kyle’s bathroom so you just see mine, but so it goes.

Kitchen

A terrible picture of our nice living room and new furniture…

My very own office, finally

Kyle’s gun cabinet…which unfortunately is living in my new office. But at least it’s pretty.

A sampling of my bathroom…

Sleepy boyfriend…you can sort of see one of my paintings over there (cowboy boots)

And the living room once again, with our new fancy tv.

So we drove an hour to go look at Dachshund puppies today. I was really concerned about finding an appropriate breeder, healthy puppy with a good temperment, etc.

Kyle instantly fell in love:

So he is only 4 weeks old, and we can pick him up on the 25th. I am super excited. I have wanted a dachsund for yearssssss. Kyle was sad that we couldn’t take him right away! But it’s great that we have a few weeks to really prepare. I have always had rescue/mutt dogs and cats and really recommend getting animals from shelters. But Kyle and I both fell in love with the Dachshund breed, and did our research. So shoot me. Top names right now: Strudel, Butter, Ammo, Dolce.

1. Today is my LAST day of clinical (until september)

2. After clinical, Kyle and I are driving an hour to go look at *gasps*….DACHSHUND puppies!

3. Expect lots of pictures this weekend. Fourth of July party, possible pup, all around happiness.

Addiction is, in my eyes, one of the saddest afflictions man can be faced with.

I hate losing sleep over it, I hate the gut-wrenching stress, I hate the guilt I constantly feel for wanting to completely pull away. At what point do I decide to stop being taken advantage of, and when do I bail? I can’t see any other way out. You can only give people so many second, third, fourth and fifth chances. In the process of trying to save others, I have broken myself. I guess it has been a struggle to accept the fact that someone who loves you can still manipulate and use you. They might not even know they are doing it. It has just become habit. They convince themselves that the world is against them. There is no other way of living for them…they have conditioned themselves. Why should they think any different, either? If people continually feed their need and continue to pick up the pieces–how will they ever change?

I cannot keep giving out second chances. I must look after me. How am I supposed to take care of others if I cannot care for myself first? Why was I cursed with such a heavy heart?