I collect my moments into a correspondence with a mightier power who just lacks my perspective.

Mar 28

My biggest fear (aside from not being perfect, letting people down, becoming extremely fat, and forgetting important events) is that in the end, it will have all been a waste. I hate being a fabrication. Or do I love being a fabrication? It’s all situational, I suppose.

Life is a big *expletive* situation.

I really want to get out of this town for a minute. Perhaps I should start playing the lottery. I want to see things. Eat things. Drink things. Feel and breathe things.

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I have the fault of being a little more sincere than is proper. -Moliere

Mar 24

Achieving greatness is proving to be quite difficult. Working against the grain and occasionally against my nature; those urges to constantly please, never decline, and push beyond reasonable expectations. I must remind myself though, that these same features (flaws?) allow me to do remarkable things given proper circumstances. The struggle of course, is to create the proper circumstances. And so my battle continues: the quest to control my environment.

Wild things hide behind the quiet exterior. Sometimes I wonder who can see through the glass. Which reminds me, somewhere in between purchasing my new home, planning my wedding, succeeding at my new job and keeping my brains from congealing, I need to get behind the camera. I cannot wait for the weather to improve. I cannot wait to breathe. Truly breathe.

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I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, Sir, because I’m not myself you see.

Mar 18

Awake, press buttons, coffee on. Eyes meticulously lined, exaggerated so far as to distract from countless other flaws. Wardrobe strewn about as groggy eyes try to place pieces of cloth over a cold body. Forty-five minutes later, hair is placed, coffee is poured and cereal is eaten. The same amount, at the same time, with the same spoon, every day.

One day, I am going to be something great. Working hard makes my blood rush. Stress is something I loathe and seek all at once. Pressure. Pressure. Pressure. Release. Sometimes, I wish I could show others all the colors I see and all the feelings I feel. A sort of intentional bloodletting of passionate garbage. Holding back is hard, a delicate balance. Cause for almost constant awkwardness.

And at the end of my whirlwind of a day, coffee is pepared for the next morning. No matter how tired, I will always sugar coat the state of my household with a false sense of order. Even if I know it’s fake. It looks sort of real…real enough to allow me to lather, rinse and repeat the next day. And I will keep dreaming of Paris, so long as I shall live.

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For I am but a lady.

Mar 09

This is going to be one giant picture post because things have been a little strange and art/photos seem to do it best for me as of late. In terms of a life update (that’s what “blogging” is these days, right? mundane life updates?)…Kyle and I have contacted a Realtor, and we will start looking at homes tomorrow evening after work. I am predicting this to be a long and painful process, taking many months and likely, buckets of tears. But I am happy to tackle the idea head on, and hope in 6 months time we may just have a bingo. My life motto has always been peppered with such an attitude: expect the worst, no matter what, and in the end you’re at least 5% more likely to be delightfully surprised. Some may think this approach to be unhealthy, or perhaps even restraining. But no…no no. I continue to thrive by living this way. And so it goes.

Work, good. Riding, on hold. Art, only in my head. Reading, FINALLY. I’ve finally begun to tackle some of Kurt Vonnegut’s work and I am refreshed. I’m trying this new tactic–reading before bed to try and incite sleepiness. Years of PhD certified advice, and I am just now getting my stubborn head around it. We’ll see if they were right. Stay tuned, if you dare.

And I leave you with a random smattering of inspiring images. Enjoy.

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Hold your breathe, enjoy the ride.

Mar 01

Life has a strange way of teaching you things. Learning is often so painful, but I think some, like myself…seek it. Endure it. Just to see or feel the light at the end. And more often than not, there isn’t even a light at the end. But the search is what’s so exhilarating. It’s the search that keeps us coming back over and over and over again.

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