Brainshambles

Occasionally, in between beats of my constantly fluttering wings, I take a look down at myself. Being so constantly stimulated (a state of my own natural choosing) is tiresome but at the same time keeps me bright. Even when I reach a peak of lethargy, I envision a tiny little coal inside my chest glowing red and still always prepared for ignition. I look at myself, my little fragile physical parts and my big fragile spiritual parts. And although the words (unspoken, but racing through brains) may grow more eloquent, the conclusion tends to remain the same. I see myself as a sensitive human being. Lost to myself, found to others, and occasionally a dichotomy of the two. I have the heart of a tormented artist, yet also possessing this strange and constant desire to climb, compete, prove, and win. But the games I want to win feel distinctly different than those in the majority.

Or maybe not. Perhaps I am no more special than a common pigeon.

With this soul of a buzzing hummingbird, comes the awkward tendency to make a complete clown of myself in perfectly typical situations. I wonder how many can even see the glimmer of energy and passion behind such a fragile shell. Though bright colors, costumes and carefully placed (and learned) dialogue has helped me toughen up the exterior…like everyone, so much work is still yet to be done. Can’t let that fire go out. That fire keeps me alive.

Would have, could have, should have…the three killers.

I want to help people find the beauty in ugly things, and the ugly in beautiful things. Essentially, I want to challenge it all. Because when I’ve challenged them, they’ve in turn challenged me. For as much as I hate surprises…I sure do enjoy surprising others.

The time to hesitate is through.