October 31, 2011

Oct 31

The night is winding down. I’m reading my blogs and uncover another photographic gem.

Marie Antoinette's Bedroom, The Castle of Fontainebleau

Halloween was short, but sweeter than anticipated. I am thankful for my wonderful parents who welcomed me at my own home, fed me and helped bathe and entertain babies. I am sad as predicted, that there were no baby costumes or photos. But it is quiet, and for now…the calm trumps all nuisances.

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On the eve of Halloween, 2011.

Oct 30

This time last year, I was about 5 weeks pregnant. Few knew. I was sicker than hell, but still passed out candy to the kids on my front porch. Wrapped in a blanket, and munching on reese’s cups, I breathed in the air of my favorite holiday.

When I was really little, back in that very first house, my mom (a Costume Designer by trade) would hand-make the wildest princess dresses of my dreams. The one I remember most warmly was my “Glenda the Good Witch” costume. I must have been only 4? How can a 4 year old remember her pink, tulle Glenda costume? Then again, how can a 4 year old remember watching a single thunderstorm from her front porch, listening to “The Police?” I don’t know. But I do.

This year, I have two baby girls. My husband works late, I have no candy, and for the first time in my entire life I will be spending my holiday alone and without any celebration. It’s unfortunate for many reasons. Mostly, I’m going to miss the photos that were never taken of my 6-month-olds on their first Halloween. I wish I could pretend none if it mattered, or that there will be plenty of other times for costumes and photos and candy. I know that’s what anyone might tell me in an attempt to console.
But I’m not giving this one up, no sugarcoating here. I’m a sad mom.

There’s also some weird intuitive things floating around this brain[shamble]. I can’t quite pin them down, but if history repeats itself as it tends to do so, I have plenty of reason for concern. So, here we are Sunday night, and I’ve lost the energy required to properly prepare for my work week. One day, I’ll blog about my Sunday house/work-week prep. What a juicy read that would be…a complete line by line list and validation of my neurosis. Oh wait…maybe we’re past that point?

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Maybe babies aren’t so gross after all…

Oct 29

We received our photos from last weekend’s photo shoot at the mall. I regret to say, I totally understand how moms get suckered into this kind of mooshy stuff on a routine basis. I mean…look at these little humans!

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Friday Reds

Oct 29

Last night was pretty blue. Better yet – pretty grey. Many many shades of grey. So I said…hey, how about a a red velvet cupcake from “The Cupcakery”, a glass of Merlot, and a bubble bath?

I hate to pessimistically and/or prematurely set the tone for the weekend, but I have a gut feeling that this one won’t be any better than the last. October was supposed to be my month? Sadness, insecurity, wonder, dreams…

I’m up early in the dark, as usual. The girls are starting to coo over the monitor…I like to listen a while before I let them fully wake. Their little voices are starting to develop, and sometimes they even babble to each other in the early hours. Time is again pushing  me, like a gun pressed against the middle of my back. Walk forward? Or bolt sideways? I never was a good runner. But I know you’re supposed to run all crazy sideways if someone is pointing a gun at you. I don’t know what I’d do. Figuratively, I think I’d just turn around and say “really?”

And off I go to feed babies. Then, a trip to hospice. People keep telling me (or not telling me) that my Grandmother might not make it past this weekend. I don’t believe them.


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Currently crushing.

Oct 27

Alexander McQueen

Alexander McQueen, R.I.P.

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