Brainshambles

Last night was pretty blue. Better yet – pretty grey. Many many shades of grey. So I said…hey, how about a a red velvet cupcake from “The Cupcakery”, a glass of Merlot, and a bubble bath?

I hate to pessimistically and/or prematurely set the tone for the weekend, but I have a gut feeling that this one won’t be any better than the last. October was supposed to be my month? Sadness, insecurity, wonder, dreams…

I’m up early in the dark, as usual. The girls are starting to coo over the monitor…I like to listen a while before I let them fully wake. Their little voices are starting to develop, and sometimes they even babble to each other in the early hours. Time is again pushing  me, like a gun pressed against the middle of my back. Walk forward? Or bolt sideways? I never was a good runner. But I know you’re supposed to run all crazy sideways if someone is pointing a gun at you. I don’t know what I’d do. Figuratively, I think I’d just turn around and say “really?”

And off I go to feed babies. Then, a trip to hospice. People keep telling me (or not telling me) that my Grandmother might not make it past this weekend. I don’t believe them.