You can try but you’ll never forget her name

Nov 29

Spirit of Marilyn calling me, audibly
Bawling she, said that she would never leave
Continued to torture me
Telling me to come with her
Underneath my comforter
And she brought a gun with her
Pills and some rum with her

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Mourning Loss. Giving Thanks. 2012.

Nov 23

It was a Wednesday morning. 10:45 a.m., and I was in a staff meeting on the day before Thanksgiving. The conversation had shifted to some generally unimportant topic, and I happened to flip over my phone. The screen said it right there. Strings of pictures had just been updloaded to facebook only minutes earlier – pictures of my Grandfather with the letters “R.I.P”. I knew it was coming, not sure exactly when but soon. Not much can prepare someone for learning about the death of a dearly cherished family member. But nothing in the world can prepare someone for learning just like that. I knew what was going on. We talked on the phone a few weeks ago. I said “I love you”, knowing it might be my last time. But then it hits you like a bullet in the chest. How? Why that way? Why that time, in that place, just like that?

I get paid (not entirely for, but as part of one of my many job requirements) to manage social media. On Wednesday, November 21st of 2012, I picked up my things in the middle of a full conference room, and walked straight out, to the empty room next door. Not a word. Pure confusion. In that moment, I hated everything that I’d spent years trying to evangelize.

But then minutes passed. I don’t know what’s considered normal, but for me, hours passed. I stayed in one locked room at work for the rest of the day because I didn’t know what else to do. And it was the best I could have done. And then before you know it, the next morning was Thanksgiving.

And today is Black Friday. I still don’t have an idea of whether I’m on the right path, the crooked path, or the perfectly squiggly interesting path. I just know that I have love in my heart, hurt in my bones, passion and fire (the good kinds, the bad kinds) in my veins. I’ve spent the last few days in sweatpants with company of just a few family members, mostly staying quiet and smooshing my little girls. Life is messy and predictably unpredictable. I keep saying that to myself…one day, hopefully, I’ll either stop being surprised or start being enlightened.

I’ve never wanted to put my fingers on the keys of that Wurlitzer so bad.

For my grandfather. Thank you for showing me how kind and gentle good men in this world can be. Thank you for sharing your life with me.

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And though she be but little, she is fierce.

Nov 13

“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.” -Kurt Vonnegut

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Free Yourself.

Nov 12

I always find it unfortunate and a bit jarring when it takes a major storm or event to bring people, myself most humbly included, back down to earth. Life has only kept going and with it – the earth spinning. But this space has grown quiet for far too long minus a few bits of random thought firings. And as busy as I am, trying to beat that alarm and pour my next cup of coffee, perhaps my next glass of wine, other things are slowing down. I’m losing someone really dear to me. I’ve always been a writer, never short on words and thoughts, a serial over-sharer. Yet, these types of posts remain a bit cryptic by nature. Still, I suppose I’ve felt the need for a bit of blood-letting so here we are, shambles.
Let’s do it old school. Bullets? Anyone?

1. Getting back to the barn and riding weekly has proven (as I both feared and prayed) to be a saving grace for my sanity. What a breath of fresh air. I can’t wait to start showing again. Adrenaline. Air. Large mammals. Pretty posture. Jumping.

2. My little girls just had their 18 month check-up. They are strong as ever, and only 19 pounds each. So precious and full of fire.

3. I’ve steered away from being particularly self reflective for the past, I don’t know, year or so? It’s happening again, and I’m choosing (today) to ride it out and let it just be. If you’re here, I figure…you fell in love with it, so, right.

4. Thinking about going from platinum to ginger this week…no big deal.

5. I hate when people ask me what I “do”. It’s getting a bit too fuzzy. Seriously, how do women answer that question? (I wanted to write “women of my caliber” but realized that would read only one way – PRETENTIOUS. But there, see what I did? I guess we’ve just killed two birds?)

6. I absolutely love MRIs. I spent 2 hours in an MRI machine recently and it was the most blissful 2 hours of my recent history. Apparently, such response is atypical. My sports medicine specialist thinks I’m pretty fly.

7. Work has provided me the “luxury” of an iPhone 5. It’s scary, and I like it.

8. I still eat oatmeal every single day, just in case you were wondering (hey, I said we were going old school here with the blogging…)

9. I still am on an old vine Zinfandel kick with seasonal beers tossed in between.

10. Being wordy is exhausting. I live for it. Sometimes they take it, sometimes they leave it. Seems like it matters most when it’s GONE.

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Good girls are pretty like all the time. I’m just pretty some of the time.

Nov 11

Good girls are happy and satisfied. I won’t stop asking until I die.

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