Brainshambles|

I am sure that this week will be just as hectic as the last. However–there will be one large difference. I will officially be free from nursing. I have hours of reading to do, and lots of map memorization for my freshly-added Anthropology classes. And then there’s Statistics. And the job interview. And the meeting with the director of the Liberal Arts department. But even looking at my long to-do list, I am finally seeing a break in the clouds. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up anymore. I am trying this new thing though—where I stop freaking out about the future, and start focusing on the day at hand. Neurotic by nature, this is a hard task for me to accomplish. Tomorrow is the first day of a fresh week. I am going to try to make it a good one, for once. Not sure if I’ll succeed…but again, one day at a time.

On another note…I got two fishies yesterday. I had been wanting some to put on my desk, but Kyle kept resisting. So of course, I did what I usually do in such a situation. I went by myself and did it anyway. Sometimes you just have to go against the grain. Naturally, after he stopped flipping out he insisted on naming them. So we have Smith–a calico googley eyed goldfish, and Wesson–the algae eater.

Two fish. Two cats. One dachshund puppy. A new major. Possible job opportunity. Roof over my head. Food in the fridge. What is there to really be freaking out about?

I am a hypochondriac, and I know this. Therefore I have really been trying to not instantly freak out when I am plagued by strange ailments (which happens quite often). Anyway, so about three weeks ago my psychiatrist upped my Lamictal from 50mg to 100mg, and ever since I have been experiencing really weird shortness of breath and bruising. I’ve been trying to ignore it, pass it off as a temporary side effect. But seriously, I have had enough. I get so dizzy from trying to take deep enough breaths and it’s getting super uncomfortable. As a nursing student, I naturally jump to conclusions and predict what could be unfolding inside of my body. So whatever–I called the doctors office and reported my shortness of breath/bruising an hour ago. I had been holding off the phone call because I knew they’d want to take my blood, as it sounds like I may be experiencing some sort of crazy anemia.

I hope they call me back soon, but I also kind of hope that they don’t. I hate getting blood drawn. Funny, I can have my body tattooed like WHOA, but absolutely freak over a tiny blood draw.

What if I have tuberculosis? Stop it. What if I have cancer and I’ve waited too long to say something? Stop it.

I hope my riding lesson can take my mind off of it. Unless of course, I have my usual bout of breath-shortness, and pass out while jumping. Maybe I should just go take a nap.

I was hoping to experience two evenings in a row of orgasmic sleep, but last night was just not my night. Although their commercials are witty and quite enticing, the makers of Rozerem LIE. Mass media LIARS. Yes my dreams miss me, no I won’t be seeing them soon.

On top of my characteristic insomnia, I was blessed with a spring time allergic reaction. For me, this means a bright red neck, insane itching, and a head full of snot. Makes for a lovely evening. But I will sacrifice my good health for pleasant weather. When the temperature is above 50 degrees, life seems to suck a lot less. I am so ready for this weekend. Even though I have to work tomorrow morning at 7:30 a.m., I don’t CARE, because that means one more day of NOT being in a clinical with a psychotic, mumbling, menopausal professor. Speaking of clinicals, I finally ordered two new pair of crispy white scrub pants that should actually fit me. And they are halfway cute…as cute as white can be on a pear shaped petite.

Off to watch some Discovery Channel. Yeah.

I took my last Ambien sample last night. And this time, instead of sitting around waiting for it to kick in and make me drunker than hell, I did it the right way. Took the pill, went directly to bed.

MUCH better results, I must say. This is the first time in months I have slept 8 full hours. Hopefully my elevated energy level will make this morning’s clinical less horrifying. I’m praying that I don’t get someone who has diarrhea, or diapers, or urinary incontinence or something. I just am not ready for that kinda hotness. Seriously.

Time to guzzle my coffee, and mentally prepare.

How one human being is actually capable of living, surviving, thriving off of such little sleep is beyond me.
Yet somehow, I am managing to do it. I plan on trying to nap a bit before my riding lesson tonight, or I may just fall off and die. Last night was quite unpleasant. Laying in bed for hours, staring at the ceiling, it really starts to drive one to madness.

I get to the point where its like, 2:00 a.m. and I am thinking “What a freaking waste of time. Why can’t it just be 6:30 so I can get up and drink some coffee and get this stupid lame ass day started.”

And then there was the other day, when I did manage to fall asleep, only to wake shortly after dreaming about losing my teeth. Which apparently, means someone is about to die. Fabulous.

But I digress.

The sun is shining, and I have some pharmacology to study.

Doing homework days before it’s due? Is this possible? After an entire life lived on last minute pressure?
It feels good. Yet, now I just find myself fixating on more shit that will be due in the future. In a week. In two weeks. Shit. Nursing. Kill. AHHHHH.

I had a mild frozen custard binge last night, which made me feel really guilty. But proudly, I woke up this morning and dragged my ass to the gym to do 33 minutes on the elliptical. Chump change for the average athletic, I know. But 33 minutes is a pretty big feat for me, on the elliptical machine. Hopefully, if I don’t succumb to my inner fat girl, I can manage to at least maintain at my Wednesday weigh-in.

I am tired. But feeling fairly mentally stable, which is strange. I’ll take it. Maybe the Lamictal really is kicking in. That would be baller.