That’s when you’ll feel my kind.

Oct 22

I have lots to write about. Even some pictures. But as usual, time and tasks have gotten the better of me so they will have to wait just a bit longer. For “diary style” documentation purposes…I am still recovering from my second whirlwind trip to the United Kingdom that ended just a week ago, focusing deeply on loving my family, loving myself, and savoring all of the sweetest, most passionate and powerful moments I can – no matter how small or how short. That’s not to say I’m an exemplary student in the class of life right now – as stress and self doubt can, has, and will again rear its ugly head. But I will love. I will heal. I will create. And most importantly, I will never cease my quest to not only find, but to be the light that touches my world. Hold fast.

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Apr 15

It has been quiet here for a bit longer than I am comfortable admitting. But if there’s one thing I have no shame in admitting, it’s my uncanny comfort in enduring the uncomfortable. Sometimes, this space is for random musings – it ebbs and flows with my mood, and other times it serves purpose as a true “digital diary”. Just a space to document moments for safekeeping so I can remind myself of times or feelings that inspired me. Because I still have grandiose plans of making time for myself, and every 6 months or so I like to flick through these pages and reflect. Remember. Remind.

Today I left work early for one of several recent doctor’s appointments that left me again, feeling lost and downtrodden. No answers. All normal. Everything’s normal they say…I’m so thin for having twins, and my hair is so beautiful that it must be a wig…these are things they say in innocent kindness, which should flatter any average woman in any average time. So anyway, I walked out of this appointment feeling empty and even questioning my sanity just a hair – when I checked my phone to catch up on the latest “critical emails” (isn’t that charming…critical emails) and missed calls. But before I could click on the email button or the message button, the NY times had flashed me an alert about the Boston marathon bombings.

Tragedies across the world have always intrigued me, sometimes to points of obsession. Everything is so chaotic and I suppose if I were to think for longer than a moment, I’d attribute my fascination to the seemingly constant juxtaposition of human atrocity and human empathy that fleck the pages of these stories with color, light and dark. People who know me closely, really closely have probably heard me speak about my fatal flaw of seeing the good in humanity, always. Even when humanity has turned it’s back on me. I guess what I’m getting at here, is I’m a bit confused when we as a people start questioning humanity. It’s like praying to a deity when bad things happen or good things happen, but never in between. I am certainly shocked when such sad things happen, unexplainable harm done to people. Good ones and even bad ones. But I never find myself questioning humanity. I mourn for loss of perception, loss of judgement or foundational concepts of “good” that I believe have no language barriers. But even when shocked…I must admit, I can’t stop seeing the good. All I want is to give. And when I give, I give myself.

Not one for tossing around the words “hope” and “faith” lightly these days. But I suppose I can’t stop hoping for a day when I see and feel a bigger slice of peace. I won’t ask for Miss America style “World Peace”. I just really can’t stop believing in better. Something, surely, must bring us together? Not just bring us together when convenient…but keep us together. For the in-between.

My heart goes out to Boston, and all places and people where hurt is felt. I bleed for them. But I dream for them too. And I won’t stop.

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Flames Illuminate our Faces

Mar 03

It all comes back in tsunami waves, like a kaleidoscope of daydreams or perhaps nightmares in color. Wonder where they all are right now? What are they doing, those other people that are hurting or suffering?

The worst part isn’t losing someone or something else. It’s losing yourself. But its in that fallout period, whether a quick outburst or an agonizing string of hours, days and months – where you expect to find your savior, your Jesus, whatever it was that once helped grab you from the burning flames of your own mental detriment. During that fallout, is when you find your light, uncover the sacred scriptures that you once wrote and hid underneath rudimentary layers of growth and empowerment for safekeeping. For times just like these.

But when the lines blur, not even blur but hallucinate – and you struggle to determine if you really “knew” yourself and your convictions to begin with, it makes any loss, threatened or realized even more dangerous. So what do we do when everything is in question and even the most concrete particles of our carefully built, refined, tested and proven persona find themselves standing alone in the limelight?

Maybe, you just leave without a word.
Maybe you keep searching, playing the game.
Maybe you stop clicking on plastic keys.
Where did those ivory ones go?
They left with him, and him…and him.
Is that even fair?

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Feel the earth move and then hear my heart burst again.

Oct 08

Where you go I go
What you see I see
I know I’d never be me
Without the security
Of your loving arms
Keeping me from harm
Put your hand in my hand
And we’ll stand together
Let the skyfall
When it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together

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And when the crowd becomes a burden

Jul 02

You can use my skin
To bury secrets in
And I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion,
I will ask no questions
While I do my thing in the background
But all the time, all the time
I’ll know, I’ll know.

There's blood beneath every layer of skin.

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