On the eve of Halloween, 2011.

Oct 30

This time last year, I was about 5 weeks pregnant. Few knew. I was sicker than hell, but still passed out candy to the kids on my front porch. Wrapped in a blanket, and munching on reese’s cups, I breathed in the air of my favorite holiday.

When I was really little, back in that very first house, my mom (a Costume Designer by trade) would hand-make the wildest princess dresses of my dreams. The one I remember most warmly was my “Glenda the Good Witch” costume. I must have been only 4? How can a 4 year old remember her pink, tulle Glenda costume? Then again, how can a 4 year old remember watching a single thunderstorm from her front porch, listening to “The Police?” I don’t know. But I do.

This year, I have two baby girls. My husband works late, I have no candy, and for the first time in my entire life I will be spending my holiday alone and without any celebration. It’s unfortunate for many reasons. Mostly, I’m going to miss the photos that were never taken of my 6-month-olds on their first Halloween. I wish I could pretend none if it mattered, or that there will be plenty of other times for costumes and photos and candy. I know that’s what anyone might tell me in an attempt to console.
But I’m not giving this one up, no sugarcoating here. I’m a sad mom.

There’s also some weird intuitive things floating around this brain[shamble]. I can’t quite pin them down, but if history repeats itself as it tends to do so, I have plenty of reason for concern. So, here we are Sunday night, and I’ve lost the energy required to properly prepare for my work week. One day, I’ll blog about my Sunday house/work-week prep. What a juicy read that would be…a complete line by line list and validation of my neurosis. Oh wait…maybe we’re past that point?

Read More

Friday Reds

Oct 29

Last night was pretty blue. Better yet – pretty grey. Many many shades of grey. So I said…hey, how about a a red velvet cupcake from “The Cupcakery”, a glass of Merlot, and a bubble bath?

I hate to pessimistically and/or prematurely set the tone for the weekend, but I have a gut feeling that this one won’t be any better than the last. October was supposed to be my month? Sadness, insecurity, wonder, dreams…

I’m up early in the dark, as usual. The girls are starting to coo over the monitor…I like to listen a while before I let them fully wake. Their little voices are starting to develop, and sometimes they even babble to each other in the early hours. Time is again pushing  me, like a gun pressed against the middle of my back. Walk forward? Or bolt sideways? I never was a good runner. But I know you’re supposed to run all crazy sideways if someone is pointing a gun at you. I don’t know what I’d do. Figuratively, I think I’d just turn around and say “really?”

And off I go to feed babies. Then, a trip to hospice. People keep telling me (or not telling me) that my Grandmother might not make it past this weekend. I don’t believe them.


Read More

A Lesson in Eating/Shopping Your Feelings.

Oct 15

Let me preface this with a general public service announcement: here begins a mundane, boring, classic example of a good old-fashioned style blog entry about how “blah” and “moody” my day has been. That being said…

1. Don’t go to Banana Republic when you are tired/sad/depressed/bored/broke/ever. They will eat your soul. Factory outlet or not…they will E A T your soul. But the dress pants…oh, the dress pants!

2. Trips to Target at 10:00 a.m. involving a basket full of makeup, personal care items, and a 6-pack of Blue Moon *will* result in strange looks. Especially when you are dressed in black yoga pants and a hot pink hoodie. Really, I promise I’m over 21. I even have a career! And babies! And a husband and a house! Amazing…the hats I wear.

3. No food in house? Silent treatment going around? Awesome. Throw some dusty linguine from the basement “stockpile” in a pan with frozen shrimp, coffee creamer (yes), margarine (I know) and some expired spinach leaves. It will be edible after 2 of the above mentioned Blue Moons have been ingested.

4. Crying babies? No solution or advice available at this time. Please stay tuned.

And…back to your regularly scheduled programing.

Read More

One must still have chaos in oneself, to give birth to a dancing star.

Apr 06

I hate losing control [the worst is when I can see it coming]
I hate being bored [most of time]
I hate waiting [but I’m getting good at it]
I hate being let down [so I consciously prepare for the worst]
I hate being interrupted [because I’ve worked hard to speak unabashedly]
I hate to admit that I hate [though surely, hatred is a human flaw]

I love watching my dog breathe [mostly while he sleeps]
I love biting into a fresh, cold strawberry [after sipping on my coffee]
I love colours and textures [gritty raw things that make me feel]
I love giving [to know that I am needed is the ultimate win]
I love exploring [people and thoughts]
I love [more than I hate]

Read More