Brainshambles|

When I am lazy *aka tonight* I just pour dry cat food all over the kitchen floor. Hard to believe…considering I am such a freak about having a clean floor. Kyle thinks its funny.

Also—yesterday I drove 40 minutes to the stupid psychiatrists office to finally get my research study medication/placebo. I got all the bloodwork, did all the long tedious assessments, only for them to tell me at the end of it that I am no longer qualified. The reason being that I am headed towards a “manic high” rather than a “manic low”. My doctor had to take me off of my Lamictal in order to be eligible for the study, which I believe switched my moods. Which is fine…I much prefer to be in a “high”, with lots of weird energy and racing thoughts and all that BIPOLAR fabulousness. But still. I was really quite irritated that I had spent so much gas/parking money and time to prepare for a study that I no longer qualified for. Rawr.

Yesterday Kyle’s aunt joined us for our riding lesson (she rides where we do, but usually at a different time) and she chimed in on the engagement issue. Funny how I always instantly feel better about desiring a ring when one of Kyle’s family members brings it up first. She goes…”yeah Kyle, where IS that ring!”. It was cute. I love her. She is going to be in my wedding party…when I get married…which will be NEVER.

I am going to go eat my vegetarian burrito and drink my Reisling now.

I was going to blog about engagement…but I just got irritated with myself and deleted the whole thing. Seems like no matter what/how I write, I end up sounding like a blabbering pile of bitch.

I need someone to come and drag my ass out of this apartment and take me for a run. Not that I’d be able to get more than 500 feet. But it would be a valiant attempt, for sure.

I never know what to do with myself when I am not in school/working. So I did what I do BEST today—and incurred more credit card debt via a trip to the mall. It’s funny how I tend to spend the most money when I have the least. At least I stuck to the sale racks. Even during my worst manic shopping sprees (which today, I swear was not one of them) I almost never buy regularly priced items. Kyle would kill me. Oh, Discover Student Loans—please hurry up and process my request. I need some green gold FAST!

Kyle has gone to his uncle’s cabin for the evening, leaving me alone with our zoo. Rupert and I just had a productive 30 minute play session, in which we introduced the concept of “sit” and “drop it”. I am also trying to teach him how to “not bite my fucking hands off”, but that command seems to be a bit trickier. We’ll get it though. Even when he’s trying to eat me, I still want to squish his little head off. I have an Amy’s Organic Southwestern Burrito in the toaster oven and it still has 45 minutes left. I am freaking starving. Don’t know what has gotten into me–but my appetite has become absolutely ravenous. Our evening have been ending with ice cream sundaes almost nightly. Oh well. Ice cream makes me happy. Rupert is developing a bad ice cream habit as well.

But I got a few cute shots of the babes tonight…thought I’d post them so you guys could stab your eyes out with me.

Puppy raising is tiring. But I absolutely *adore* Rupert. He is such a great little dog. We have had just a few accidents…but mostly he is fabulous about letting us know when he needs to go. This morning I did my CPR recertification and took the pup up to city hall to visit Kyle’s aunt (she works there). Tomorrow morning should be an absolute delight *sarcasm sarcasm*, as I have to get up super early and go to University Hospital to do my bi-polar research study screening. They have to take my blood and ask me hours of questions. Unfortunately, I can’t eat until the blood is drawn either. Anyone who knows me knows that I turn into satan when I don’t eat first thing in the morning. Oh well. I really don’t want to go AT ALL.

I really need to start going to a gym again or at least doing daily pilates. I haven’t exercised in ages and I think it has really had a negative impact on my energy level. The problem with being lazy is that once you stop working out, the longer you wait–the harder it is to find the energy to start back up. I have a serious aversion to planned/organized exercise. The only activity I actually enjoy is riding. unfortunately, it is a habit too expensive to participate in more than once weekly. Grrrr.

Off to the video/gas store.

I will take better ones…probably tonight, as my parents are coming over for dinner and to see him. But here is our new weenie! We named him RUPERT.

I’m feeling a bit manic today, so if you are averse to rambling nonsense…you can stop reading and move on to your next daily read. So here goes a few of my current thoughts.

HOLYCHRISTIGETMYWEINERPUPPYTONIGHT

Ambien CR–oh yeah, now I remember…it makes me wake up and eat things. Awesome.

I need to hurry up and do my CPR recertification course so school can stop sending me bitchy
emails.

Being poor is unfortunate. Especially when one has a mild to moderate addiction to shopping.

Did I mention I am in need of more plain t-shirts shirts? I always “need” something. Come on…who doesn’t “need” more shirts?

I finished my doomsday book yesterday. An interesting read. Left me feeling *as predicted* really shitty about how we treat Earth, and how we continue to ignore the BLATANTLY obvious signals of ecological downfall.

Hungry hungry hippo. Do I have a tape worm? Or am I just bored. Probably the latter.

So I had a rocky visit with the psych yesterday. We decided to pull me off both meds I was taking (Lamictal, Restoril) as obviously things just weren’t RIGHT. After a decent amount of coersion, I reluctantly agreed to enter a research study specifically for Bipolar people with generalized anxiety.

PROS:
-free medication
-free visits (which normally are like 200 bucks a pop)
-chance of mental improvement

CONS:
-I have to drive 45 minutes to the office EVERY week for 8 weeks to be assessed
-The study drug is SEROQUEL, one I have taken before with no real great results
-I may receive the placebo, which would mean my bipolar brain would be medication-less for months

Honestly, I really didn’t have much of a choice. I have exhausted most of the conventional treatment plans and I might as well get free visits and contribute to research…right? Anyway. The doctor did re-prescribe me Ambien CR last night. This stuff is insane and if you don’t lay down right after taking it–you will basically hallucinate. While it doesn’t put me into my desired “dead” sleep, it seems to work the best out all the sleep medications. And yes. It’s official…I have tried every single one of them in the fricking book. But yes, thanks to my lovely hallucinogenic sleep aid–I was granted a little relief last night in the form of several hours of sleep.

Sleep is more precious than diamonds or gold, to me. I would pay cash for sleep.

I get my mini dachshund pup tomorrow night at 6:00. Who’s excited?

Anyone know what ever happened to Lucky.nu?

The blogosphere seems to be still sleeping this morning. Someone, somewhere, give me SOMETHING to read!

I think it is possible that if I must endure one more sleepless night, I may crumple up and die. I can feel my body getting sicker and sicker. I honestly feel like if I could just sleep for even a solid 4 hours, maybe I could start to repair. Lucky for me, I am visiting my head doctor today…so hopefully we can fix my concoction and find some sort of solution. Seriously. RIDICULOUS. My brain=ridiculous.

I also had one of my absolute worst riding lessons *ever* last night. Not quite sure what my deal is. I should be able to jump 2′ on a great horse with no problem. But something happens, I lose control, start to hyperventilate…and all skill gets tossed out the window. But as my trainer continued to say…one must get worse before they get better. I hope this is the case. Im pretty sure that if my mom would have bought me a pony when I was ten years old, things would be a lot better.

On a lighter note…we are supposed to get our miniature dachshund puppy in only a few days. I cannot wait. Seriously. This lady needs to email me back and tell me to come get him early